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If it is worth something… August 18, 2009

Posted by Michelle, with dignity in Uncategorized.
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“It must be worth losing if it is worth something.” –  lyric from the song Talula by Tori Amos

Three years ago today, Chris and I woke very early and traveled with our families to the Madison County Courthouse to be married.  We were married in the hallway of the courthouse, near the stair cases, by the Justice of the Peace.  In the middle of the ceremony, a group of chained prisoners in orange jumpsuits walked around upstairs, so the Justice had to stop for a moment for the chain gang to pass. 

On August 19th, we were married with a nice ceremony by a mentor and professor of ours, who was not a certified minister, so that’s why we were technically married in the eyes of the State of Alabama on August 18, 2006.  

We get two anniversaries.  😀

So, a few days ago I announced our first pregnancy.  It was such a wonderful surprise, and I was so happy to share the news with everyone. 

Of course, I jumped the gun.  

I had an appointment with my OB today, and had an ultrasound to check on the growth of the baby.  

So, I go into the little ultrasound room.  And the nice sonogram lady starts the machine and here we are looking at my inside parts.  She measures the baby.  Takes a few pictures.  And then she says “I’m going to go get your Doctor.”

So I sit there.  In the dark, with a blob on the screen.  It doesn’t look like I think it should.  And since she’s gone to get the doc, I figure something is wrong.  I’m preparing myself for the worst.  I know that miscarriages happen a lot in the first trimester, and I’m not immune to thinking it could happen to me.  But I’m laying there, no pants on, with my feet in the stirrups, incredibly vulnerable in a dark room.  

The doc comes in and lets me know that the embryo hasn’t shown much growth, and that there’s no heartbeat. 

There was no heartbeat.  

I get to put my pants back on now, and they take me to an exam room, where I sit by myself for about 15 minutes to mull over the news that I just got.  And I’m surprisingly calm.  I’m not an overly emotional person, so sitting there in the quiet while trying to get work covered for today isn’t so bad.  I just put on my stone face and do what I need to do.  

I wait for Chris.  He comes and we go back up to the OB office to talk about some options.  

I know it’s not my fault, and that many women have miscarriages and go on to have many healthy pregnancies.  

And I don’t believe that things happen for a reason. So I don’t want to hear that, either.  I just can’t believe how fucking unfair the universe is to me.  

I am scheduled for a D&C tomorrow, August 19th, our wedding anniversary, to evacuate the remains of our first child.

Fuck.

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Comments»

1. brianarmh - August 22, 2009

Oh my goodness Honey, I’m soooooo sorry! I can’t imagine what it is like to experience this! I’m keeping you in my prayers! I know it seems tough, but you can get through this. Its sad that it happens so frequently now, I know so many women who have experienced this. My friend had 2 miscarriages and finally just this past year she had a successful pregnancy. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. My thoughts are with you.

2. Brianne - August 25, 2009

I can only imagine how horrible that felt. My sister-in-law went through a similar situation and it was really hard for her. She’d basically been looking forward to motherhood since she learned to say the word “baby”. I hope you have lots of support from your friends and family! *goodvibesforthefuture*

3. E.P. - September 1, 2009

I know I’m uber late, but this just breaks my heart for y’all. I’m so thankful you have each other and so many wonderful friends and family members surrounding you. And I’m sending you good vibes from the Deep South.


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