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It runs even deeper April 6, 2009

Posted by Michelle, with dignity in Uncategorized.
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I feel myself slipping, almost daily, from the place of contentedness that I spoke of recently.  I am content, and my life is really great. But, I’ve done this to myself before….

on the cusp of something really extraordinary and/or great, I find that “other thing” that I think I need in my life to make it “complete”.  

I found this place several years ago while watching friends and others around me make the next committment in their relationships – all of those relationships never culminated in marriage, though they made that commitment to be engaged to be married.  Rings were bought, weddings were planned, and I watched 3 of these engagements fail.  Obviously, my innermost thoughts about those relationships, that they weren’t ready for that step (yet or ever), weren’t too far off.  So, Chris and I wait to make that promise to each other, and here we are, a few years later, with a strong foundation and, oh wait, a wedding that actually happened.  I’ve done this to myself with jobs in the past as well.  Thinking that there’s “gotta be something more” out there, but when I take stock of what I have, there’s nothing that I’m wanting for anything.  For some reason, there’s that push that it’s “better” somewhere else.  Sometimes I felt it was better ANYWHERE else.  What I see now is that it’s more important to find happiness and contentedness in what I do have, and not to worry about what others have.  Or might get.

But I won’t sit here and tell you that I wasn’t incredibly, to the point of insanity, jealous of those who were “getting what I thought I deserved”.  And I’m also ashamed to say that I felt I deserved that more than they did.  I’m not so judgey anymore. I realize that other peoples lives and relationships aren’t mine to judge, so I try really hard not to do that.  I fall into that habit still.  

So, now that we’re in the stage of life where so many of our friends and acquaintances are making that next step, choosing to propagate more of the species, I feel like I deserve it, too!  And I can’t have it yet.  It’s this reoccurring theme in my life – I want so desperately that next thing that I don’t have yet.  Before it was engagement and marriage.  Now, apparently, it’s babies.  There’s more to it than just a want – it’s a biological clock thing.  So it’s not like it’s somethingI feel I can fight at the moment.  

But I am surrounded, in my day to day life and also on the internet, by people who I feel are making the decision to have children before they can really support and provide for these children, or people who get happy surprises at times that are REALLY inopportune.  It’s again, not my place to judge those decisions, and I try not to.  I really really do.  But I can help feeling like it’s slightly unfair that I’m stable, and able to provide, and responsible, and not in a rocky relationship, and the universe has chosen to keep that from me.  

So anyway, this is what my brain churns constantly with, with complete contentedness versus that undeniable push toward something “else” or “more”.  That damned elusive THING that haunts me.

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Comments»

1. Lily - April 6, 2009

It’s going to be SO MUCH BETTER when you do because you have your foundation. All these peeps getting this thing you want now… you are going to do it so much better.

dreamstela - April 7, 2009

I think you’re right.

And I think my statements make me seem like a shallow brat. But I promise I’m not a shallow brat. I guess you’d know that better than I would.

2. Kait - April 7, 2009

Yes, you will! And I completely relate to your feelings… I’ve felt that frustration sharply these past few years. Being “responsible” didn’t get me very far into what I desired, it didn’t lead me down a path with smooth decisions. Instead it demanded I wait, and do the “right” thing while other ppl I deemed doing the “irresponsible thing” reveled in their happy situation. Here I am, still doing the right thing…

3. E.P. - April 7, 2009

What you have going for you is that you have a strong foundation to build upon, and that will make the experience — whenever it happens — even better.

dreamstela - April 7, 2009

How did you get so wise, EP? ❤ Thanks!


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