This is a response to Doniree’s post today.

It’s been a year since I dropped out of my classes in a teacher education program.

It was a huge step for me, and while dropping classes doesn’t sound like a very adult thing to do, it was a huge milestone in my growing some stones…

I had been in school to (finally) get that teaching degree I’d always thought I’d wanted, in a different school than the one I tried previously.  I somehow thought that in a different school, one considered to be at the top of the “best teacher programs in the state” list, I would feel challenged, inspired, and I would learn something worthwhile.

But the further I worked in the program, the more I realized that the classes were worthless, the teachers basically all uninspired, and I really saw the decimation of our public school system from the teachers down.

I’m not sure if this falling apart (at least here in Alabama, I can’t speak for other places) is caused by teacher ed programs (who get their direction from things like No Child Left Behind and keeping up with the ever-constant changing standards for certified teachers) or if it is caused by the legislation themselves.  I know for a fact that here the teachers are pretty much given their scripts, and told what facts to test on, what questions to ask, and what format to test the kids.  It’s even gone so far as the class stops for weeks, or days at a time to teach specifically the facts that will be on their standardized tests throughout the year.  The kids aren’t learning the concepts behind those questions, they’re simply just encouraged to learn how to regurgitate meaningless (without context) names, dates, definitions and bubble the correct letter.

There’s no higher learning.  There’s no time to teach meaningful things like proper grammar, or how to write a well-constructed paragraph, or how to analyze and synthesize data to draw a conclusion.

So, I saw these things first hand.  When in classrooms observing how teachers do things, I saw how depressed the old guard teachers were becoming about the state of education.  I saw a man, who I thought to be a very inspired and effective teacher, struggle to teach meaningful concepts and inspire his students because teachers were watched like hawks to ensure they were following to the T the curriculum given by the state.  A man who gave brilliant lectures, but then would stop and go over the questions from last years standardized tests, in hopes that some of those questions would return to this years standardized tests.

He described to me this “inclusion” practice in schools now, how the kids who have special needs were now put in regular classrooms and were supposed to have a teacher or aid come in and help them out with their assignments and how those kids never saw those teachers or aids, and most of them were just barely squeaking by, and probably not learning.

These sentiments are relayed to me over and over again from teachers I know personally, and in blogs and articles that I read on my own, or ones presented to me while in teaching school.

Because of these things, and where I saw the school system going, I decided that there was no way I would ever be happy teaching in a public school system.  So, knowing that I would live a life of bitterness and depression, I decided to drop my classes and look towards something else.

I think our public education system needs a serious overhaul.  I think that No Child Left Behind really means that no child gets ahead, and that with our schools crippled by the legislation of those who have had no practical experience in a classroom, threatening the withdrawl of public funds if the school doesn’t make the grade on the standardized tests, forcing the teachers to teach only what is on those tests in order to keep their jobs and keep their funding for their school…

it’s sick, really…and the whole system just needs an overhaul.

I still wish I could share my passion of history with someone.  Maybe one day I’ll finish a graduate degree and teach at a college or something.  But as for now, I want nothing to do with our public school systems, and will do everything I possibly can to keep any future children out of that situation as long as possible.

Thankful

Things I am thankful for today:

I am thankful for the wonderful friends that I have in my life. They always know how to make things better, and what I need to hear.

I am thankful for my family. I realize that Chris and I are our own little family, complete in and of itself. With the cats, of course. And he makes life better.

I am thankful for our home. It’s really becoming more and more “ours”, and I love it here.

I am thankful that we both have jobs that we enjoy, that enable us to have what we need, and some things we just want.

I’m also thankful for the capability to reason, think and process. And the ability to compartmentalize.

Le sigh

There are communities all over the internet for any kind of information or experience you want to read up on.

There are communities and blog rings for home decorating, zen-ifying your life, child raising, yoga, make-up, obsessive Twilight fans, coffee, hating Starbucks, loving Starbucks, rumors about what Apple is going to do next, knitting…..should I go on.

But the category of internet-information-overload I’ve been into lately has been centered on something I tried to convince myself that I would never become obsessed about.

My thoughts, for the majority of my day, are centered around babies, pregnancy, and becoming pregnant.

Le sigh.

I can’t believe that I’ve progressed from analyzing historical facts in order to draw conclusions about certain events, thinking of latin grammar, to coffee, and now to babies.  Babies.  Babies.  Babies.

A few things for today

1. I haven’t found my fall soundtrack for this year, yet.  Contenders?  Armin van Buuren’s Universal Religion Chapter 4, Plans by Death Cab for Cutie, or perhaps the infamous Abbey Road by The Beatles.  I haven’t decided quite yet which one it will be.  But my fall soundtrack is important.  It helps me move through fall, which for some reason always makes me feel like the time to begin new things, to reassess and decide which things I need to reconsider, begin or quit.  It’s my self-reflection season.  Screw January 1st!

2.  I found the most beautiful shade of eyeshadow at the MAC counter.  It’s part of the Style Black collection, and it’s called “Blue Flame”.  It’s a black eyeshadow with the most perfect shade of blue glitter baked in.  Gorgeous.  It’s impractical, but so what.  It’s beautiful.

3.  I MUST get to the post office tomorrow and mail some stuff to my BFF Alex.  I’ve been collecting some things in order to send to her, and now I think I have it all.

4.  I must also finish up a few projects I have going on to start up my Etsy shop.  I’ve been talking about this for a freaking year now, so it needs to freaking happen!  Yeesh!

Where we are, now

I tend to struggle with the fact that so many blogs feel so self-indulgent.

I do not want my blog to feel self-indulgent.  I want it to have a message of sorts, and I want people to feel that they learn and gain something of worth from reading the words that I want to share.  But I don’t want to turn into one of those bloggers (and there are bloggers and then there are bloggers.  Y’all know the difference.  I’m a blogger, not a blogger – yet.  I’m not saying I don’t want to be a more serious blogger.  I’m working towards that.)  I just don’t want for my blog to be about my emo feelings all of the time, or how pompous I am about not wanting to hold a job “beneath me”, or flaunt my selfishness.

So, there are times when I think I could blog about a topic, and then stop, because I don’t want to put a lot of garbldey goop out there that means nothing.

Because there’s no point in saying something worthless.  Talk about a waste of time.

So, I second guess every.single.word I think of writing on here.  But I’m over that.  I thought I wouldn’t talk about babies, or miscarriage, or trying to be pregnant, or ovulating, but guess what?  That’s my life at this moment, and by god, I’m going to talk about it.  So here’s where we are.

Chris and I decided that we’re going to try to have a viable pregnancy again.  We were instructed to wait one cycle before trying again, so we did.  And I tested and had a positive ovulation predictor, so that’s where we are right now.  I’m sure you can guess what happened after that.

So, now I wait.  And hope.  And wait some more, until it becomes sane to take a pregnancy test and hope some more for 3 or so minutes.

In the spirit of more disclosure

I’ve made the decision to be more candid in my posts, and so that means no more second guessing my posts BEFORE I even write them.  It means that now I’m going to write the posts, and then if I’m still unsure, I’ll save them and then revisit them.

I went back and read a few posts from a year ago, from when I was in school still and working my way towards a teaching degree.  And last fall was truly a turning point in my life.  Looking back, I see exactly what has changed, and which parts of me are better, worse or the same.

Last fall was the culmination of feelings that had been dominating me and my personality for a long time.  I’d always thought I’d be a teacher, and so I was back in school to achieve that dream.  But the more I got into the field, the more I realized that it was less about imparting knowledge, and more about creating little capitalist and brainless automatons.  School was more about creating the ideal body of citizenry (dumber, more complacent, less capable of questioning the status quo) who would accept the fact that every moment of their lives were now dictated to them.  Go to school.  Get a job.  Work until you die.  And don’t disturb the pattern.  If you disturb the pattern, we’ll give you detention, or suspend you, or even worse, we’ll shame you in front of your peers until your spirit is dead and you unthinkingly just do what we tell you.

Oh, tangent.  Sorry about that, because that is not where I was going with this post, but it’s something I do feel strongly about.

Back to the point.  I wanted to teach until I realized in the current system I would simply be worsening the situation, and so therefore lost my drive and was mostly depressed about it.  I was desperately searching for my purpose in life.  For years I thought I was looking for my “something else”, because it always felt like there was something more out there.  One day I sat down and I did a word study on the words “something else” and discovered I wasn’t looking for a thing undefined that wasn’t where I was. I learned that I was searching for my purpose else.  My purpose in life.

So I started taking stock, and I started learning where I fit, and why I believe that I am right where I am supposed to be.  And I may not have a “real job” according to some people, and my choice of trade may seem meaningless to some (and I must admit, that sometimes, my job does seem a little pointless), but it is not meaningless to me, and I can honestly say that I’m happy with where I am, with where Chris and I are, and with where I and we are going.

And I think my cousin Doni and I are going to be working on a project to further explore being happy, content, and finding our purpose in life.  And I’m so excited, because maybe that’s the message I’ve been looking for to put out there, and maybe that’s the reason I’m here.

Editing

I have been contemplating updating, and what to update about, and when I think about relating emotional messes (something I’ve become quite accustomed to lately), I then think, “Well, no one wants to hear about that.”  But then I think, “well, that’s wrong.  Why wouldn’t they?”  And then I think, “So who cares, I’m gonna update whatever the eff I please, thankyouverymuch.”  And then I pretty much lose the desire to post about my first emotional mess, because I’m in the throes of self-doubt and “why would anyone want to hear what I have to say.”

But then I think, “I want to hear what others have to say, so what’s different”, and then I’m back at square one.

I’ve always wanted to share what I have to say, but in the great American tradition of keeping emotions and feelings to yourself, I always second guess posting what I’m actually feeling that may not be socially “acceptable”.  I mean, frustration over work is definitely socially acceptable, and feelings about books or movies, but probably not my feelings over a miscarriage or even my feelings towards my husband.  This was made kinda clear to me yesterday when I mentioned something about my pregnancy to a coworker and it made him visibly uncomfortable.  I just didn’t think it would make someone that uncomfortable to just mention in passing.  And when I say coworker, I actually mean a very good friend, because that’s how we roll at my SBUX.  We’re really a big family.

Anyway, all that to say that I never know what is “appropriate”, but then I think “so what, it’s my damn blog, bitches”.  So, I think my next goal for my blog is to be a little more candid.  Maybe not full disclosure, because this emotion thing is relatively new to me. But definitely more candid.  Because that’s where I am now, and I’m ok with that, even if I live a relatively edited life.

Everything I needed to know about life, i learned from working at Starbucks

This morning, while I was making drinks, a woman implied that one of my fellow baristas was stupid, and didn’t know what she was doing and was quite ugly. No details are needed, but it really pissed me off.
I mean, do NOT come into my store and start attacking my team! So, I admit, I was a little short with her after she made me pour her drink out of the paper cup and into a ceramic one, even though it was already made. And then she effing asks me to drop my attitude! I just smiled and said “there’s no attitude, ma’am. Here’s your drink!”
What I wanted to say was “I’ll drop my attitude when you apologize for being a bitch!”

Here’s a tip. Don’t attack one barista to another. We’re like family, and them’s fightin’ words!

Being sad sucks.

It’s been three weeks now, since my trip to the hospital and the (untimely) end  of my first pregnancy.  

And while some days are easier than others, it’s been rough thinking about babies.  And babies are on the brain, because my sister-in-law had her baby boy on Friday, and everyone’s healthy and home.  And I’m so thankful that he’s here safe and healthy, and her c-section went well, and there were no scares.  

But I cannot stop feeling sorry for myself, and I cannot stop being sad.  I just want to be ‘normal’ again.  I want to go through my day without stupid reminders of losing my baby.  

But it hasn’t happened yet.

It always comes back to fall

Thanks to E.P. , I’m inspired to write a little on the subject of just how much a song or album can influence your life, or memories, or mood.  

There are certain songs and albums (yes, I still call them albums) that instantly snatch me back to a moment or era of my life.  There are certain songs that remind of me people who I no longer have relationships with, but am nostalgic about our good times.  There are entire albums that take me eras of my life.  

The first one I can think of that defined an era  is Under the Pink by Tori Amos.  I remember buying that CD, bringing it home, putting it in my stereo, pulling out the liner notes, lying on the bed and reading along with her voice.  I don’t remember why I bought that one first, but it was my first Tori Amos, and it really helped me find as much of myself as I could get a hold of when I was 16 years old.  The song “Waitress” really punched me in the gut.  Because not only was a waitress, and loved the imagery (was her power all in her club sandwich?), the theme (betrayal of a woman-friend) sucked it all right out of me.  ”Yes, Anastasia” did it, too.  It was inspired by the story of Princess Anastasia of Russia, the only (rumoured) surviving member of the royal family after the Russian Revolution.  But the lyric “we’ll see how brave you are” really inspired me.  

Of course there are happy memories associated some songs in high school.  My (once) oldest and dearest and I were obsessed with The Barenaked Ladies.  The lyrics, the guitar, the feel…it was just right at that time in our lives.  But, those memories are seriously bittersweet now, though sometimes I suck it up and listen even though it stings sometimes.  

The next phase of my life, college, started off quite rocky.  I lived with this girl (who happened to be an ex of Chris’) in the dorms, who started out pretty normal and we had a decent time.  Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she turns into a psycho bitch whose plot the whole time we lived together was to either convince Chris to break up with me or vice versa.  Fun times in the dorms, y’all.  So, while juggling that and my first semester of college (mercy), I spent a lot of time holed up in my room listening to music and doing homework.  I just recently got my hands on one of the albums I spend most of my time listening to then, Chillout Session 3 by Ministry of Sound.  When I first started playing the very first track, “The Shining” by Badly Drawn Boy, it was like everything stopped and there I was sitting in my dorm, trying to ignore the sounds of crazy bitch coming home and hoping she would just go into her room and leave me alone so I could study.  Needless to say, I didn’t do so hot my first semester of college.  

Certain albums make me think of fall.  Shakira’s Laundry Service got me through the fall of 2002.  Last fall I couldn’t stop listening to Jack’s Mannequin’s The Glass Passenger.  The fall before that it was Death Cab for Cutie’s Narrow Stairs.  

I will never be able to hear U2’s “Beautiful Day” without being wistful – it was the song Chris and I walked back down the aisle to after being announced as husband and wife.